A Creation Myth
From LeoWiki
Preamble
I wrote this a rather long time ago. On a bus, I suspect. That is where I tend to write things. At home, I am distracted by the intraweb. At work, I am distracted by looking busy. Which, I suppose, writing is. Looking busy. But I never seem to write at work. And, in school, I am distracted by lectures teaching me stuff. Important stuff.
The story isn't inspired by Discordianism. All I know about Eris I learned from the cheesy Hercules and Xena tv shows of the mid-90s. I have studied several mythologies and pantheons, but her only important appearance in the Greek one is the time she starts the Trojan War with the Apple of Discord. Oh, and I am pretty sure I had read whatever blurb Encyclopedia Mythica provides.:)
A Creation Myth
In the beginning, there was Chaos. It was bored, even when playing strip chess with the Goddess Eris. It thought about things and dreamt of you and me dressed as bondage geckos. Sicko.
Anyways, Chaos was playing yet another game of chess against Eris. It was doing badly, having already lost the left and right disorders, the anarchy, and likely to lose the pair of entropy on the next move. It shuddered. The Void felt cold.
After the game, Chaos laid the Space Egg. Out of the egg hatched a Space Chicken. The Space Chicken proved abundant in Space Guano. Not surprisingly, Chaos decied to never lay an egg again.
Meanwhile, the chicken shat everywhere. Chaos devised a cunning plan -- one worthy of the great God Baldrick himself. The self-conspirator would win the next game of Strip Chess and force Eris to take the chicken.
Once again, it lost badly. Fortunately, all sexual favours said and done, the Goddess Eris agreed to take the cock off Chaos' hands.
Eris popped off to a nearby universe that had conveniently self-formed to a stage capable of supporting a chicken and left it there.
Taking care of the chicken soon came to be a chore. One day, Eris dropped by the universe and drew a stick figure in her likeness in the clay and breathed life unto it.
"Hi," said the curvaceous human.
"Hi," replied Eris. "I shall call you Eve."
And so Eris and Eve became the mostbestest friends. That was because Eris had mostbestest friends coming out the wazoo -- one more couldn't hurt -- and Eve didn't have any other ones period -- Eris became one by default.
Once, after Eve lost a game of strip chess to Eris, she asked for a peer to practise against.
"Eh," said Eris. She was exhausted from coming out the wazoo. A crude stick figure was quickly drawn. This time, Eris neglected a few imporant bits and drew some linear nonsense between its legs with her little toe. Life was breathed unto somewhere in the stick figure's direction.
"Hi," said the stick figure.
"Hi," replied Eris. "I shall call you Vibrator."
"Do you have to?"
"Why the bloody fuck no?"
"I don't feel like a Vibrator."
"Too bloody bad."
"I feel more like an Adam."
"You don't look like an Adam to me."
"Could you call me Adam?"
"Shut up. I could but I won't. Anyways, this is Eve. Vibrator, meet Eve. Eve, meet Vibrator."
"Call me Vibe," chimed in Vibrator.
"Shut up, Vibe."
After this, the Goddess Eris created an apple tree over the chess table and hung a single fruit on it.
"Remember," she admonished. "We are playing for Champion of the Universe tomorrow. Don't touch the fucking trophy."
With this, Eris disappeared up whatever wazoo Supreme Beings disappear up and the two humans got on with their chess games and walks and swims and the namings of things and other miscellaneous activities.
When the daystar arose and Eve went to sleep -- humans are nocturnal, eh -- and Vibe snuck off for a nefarious task.
He woke up curled up and gave Eve a Good Evening kiss. She tasted the apple juice on his lips and beheld him in horror. Vibe's crime had polluted her too.
"You shithead..."
"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?" bellowed the newly automanifested Eris.
"Oh, you fucking fuckers," she went on. "That's it. I'm pissed."
With this statement of fact, Eris shoved a signpost into the ground and poofed off back up the wazoo.
"Do not walk on grass," the sign said. "Prosecutors shall be violated to the full extent of the long arm of the iron fist of the law."
The sign didn't sound friendly. Fortunately, shade-resistant grass was in short supply and so the apple tree was surrounded with a safe circle of warm toe-loving dirt.
Eve assumed the lotus position and meditated. Vibe raided the fridge under the apple tree and settled in for a relaxing wait. The chirping of dodos got on his nerves, so he slung a beer can at them.
Eight days and eight nights Eve meditated. Eight days and eight nights without ingestion, egestion, or nookie. Visions appeared to her.
The raven offered to tunnel her out beneath the grass. The archer offered to euthanise them with arrows fired from his moon base. The squirrel offered nuts from the world tree. Presumably, the squirrel was stupid or inappropriately enamoured with absurdist humour.
The seductions failed.
Eve continued to meditate.
On the eighth day, she arose and remained seated. Eyes closed, she levitated.
"Come on, Vibe," she beckoned.
Vibrator jumped into her lap. They cleared the grass and escaped from the Garden of Eris.
Over the desert, Eve had a bowel movement. A mighty eucalyptus tree sprung up there.
So, Eve and Vibrator went across Australia and planted eucalyptus trees. Eris dubbed them Eve Eucalyptusseed and Vibrator Eucalyptusseed. She also stopped giving a fuck about this universe.
The blissful pair of tree planters lived happily ever after up until their fatal mauling by the bloodthirsty pack of koalas. The died just in time for real humans to evolve in the East African Rift Valley.
